Let's Talk About Talking! (and Listening)

Hello, Talofa, Hola, Malo Lelei-However you say It-Hello!

This week I will be talking about communication! I really enjoyed my class discussions regarding communication, especially within a marriage or relationship. We communicate with people we care about everyday, and it’s important to remember how we treat others. Your communication with others reflects your feelings for them. Through our words, body language, and tones, it really shows others how much we care and validate their feelings. So, let’s dive right in!        

The first key to being a good communicator, is actually being a good listener. People enjoy being listened to, and having someone they can vent to.  Six ways to improve your listening skills are: Take the initiative in the conversation, resist distractions, control your emotions and your tendency to respond before the other is finished, ask questions to clarify what they are saying, make use of the speed of your thoughts by summarizing what is being said, and lastly-practice these techniques with everyone, not just your partner.  I noticed that I really struggle with resisting distractions, and resisting the urge to interrupt. I realized how rude it is when someone is speaking to me and I’m on my phone or when I just shoot out a response before even understanding the whole situation.

Another key to being a good communicator, especially within a marriage, is avoiding toxic language that orders, threatens, moralizes (meaning acting “Holier Than Thou”), lectures, “Parents” (treating them like a child), ridicules, analyzes, and interrogates. Now this one is hard. Although I’m not even married, I find myself using this language with others when I get frustrated. It’s extremely challenging to refrain from saying hurtful things, even if we think they are true or deserve to be said. Heavenly Father wants us to learn how to love and respect each other, and I believe that communicating with that same love and respect is a huge trial of this earthly life that He wants us to overcome.

A technique we talked about in class that I really liked was using “I feel” statements. The purpose of this statement, is to effectively tell someone you are hurt with how they are treating you. The model of how this would be said is, “When you do/say _____, I feel _____, because_____. I would like for you to please______ .” For example, let’s say you are out on a group date with your spouse with some friends and he/she keeps teasing you in front of the group. You could say something like, “When you tease me in front of others, I feel really hurt because it makes me feel embarrassed. I would like for you to please say more uplifting things about me so we can support each other better.”

Now, I understand that this type of phrase sounds really rehearsed and scripted. However, I have found that when I use it, I feel more mature about how I respond to someone, and I am better able to find the root problem between someone and I. It can be scary, but if you love someone enough, you can be brave enough to tell them how you feel you deserve to be treated. We all have needs, and it’s okay to be needy and specific about what you want in your marriage! Brother Williams, my teacher, said in class, “If you don’t have needs, you’re a robot!” We are human beings that have so much potential, and part of that divine potential is learning to communicate effectively.

I have observed over the years from watching my own parents’ communication, that things run so much smoother when there is loving communication within the family. Satan knows that if he can cut off our communication within our families, then he can get inside of our heads easier and ultimately destroy our families. The good news is-we have the spirit on our side! And through practicing these several skills I’ve talked about today, you can learn with your families how to best communicate with each other and become stronger than ever! It is never too late in a marriage or relationship to start communicating better.