True Love? Can It Be Real?

Does true love exist? This week I learned about the “Science of Attraction” and whether you are single, dating, or married, hopefully this post will encourage you to take a deeper look at the relationships in your life.

            First of all, what makes us attracted to someone? We usually narrow people down through filters. These filters can be either looks, personality, or simply how you feel when you are around them. We are more likely to date or marry someone who lives close to us or someone we are familiar with. This is called Propinquity. For example, I’m here at BYU-Idaho. If I meet a nice young man, I can usually assume (by his age), that he is LDS, most likely an RM, values his education, and is a well-rounded guy. These are the types of assumptions we make almost automatically about the people within our community. Why do we do this? Well, because if you think about it, if you come from the same area then you are more likely to share a common culture, upbringing, socioeconomic status, mutual friends, and shared expectations. Not all of those are guaranteed, but they are pretty apparent most of the time. In a marriage, it’s a lot easier to support your spouse if they have the same values and way of thinking as you.

            Now that we have a good understanding of propinquity, let’s dive into how we should be dating. For me, I started dating at 16 years old. The typical date was to go out to a school dance. Another popular date was to go to a fun-center called Boondocks. We’d go mini golfing, bowling, do laser tag, and other fun arcade games. The boy usually asked me out, and he would usually pay. I was used to going out and doing these set activities. However, when I got to college, dating was a foreign world to me. In college, most guys simply wanted to “hang out…” aka-watch a movie and probably cuddle. There was no sense of creativity or organization in the date. If I was lucky, they would take me out to dinner. I learned this week that just hanging out with a boy won’t help a marriage last very long. It’s so important to go out and do real things that involve interaction and real communication with the people you date!

            Dating can be scary and complex, so here is a very simple breakdown of things you should look for in your dating. We call this the 3 T’s. Togetherness, Talk, and Time. First-Togetherness. Spend a lot of time doing a variety of shared activities in your dating. Switch things up. If you always watch a movie together, try cooking dinner together, taking a hike together, doing service for others, really just anything to get you both out and about. This will give you an opportunity to see them in different environments and see how you both react to other situations.

 Second-Talk. This means having a real conversation, not a simple, “what’s your favorite color?” Like do you honestly think you are going to find the love of your life based upon their favorite color? Really try to ask them “how” and “why” questions. “Why did you pick the major you did?” or “How do you think that will help you develop as a person in life?”...stuff like that! Get them talking! And make sure they are asking you meaningful questions as well. It’s not enough to let one person do all the talking. Converse about a variety of things, including viewpoints on spirituality, ways of living, and their own well-being. My own personal side note-make sure they can make you laugh! Find someone that helps you be silly and find your fun side!

The third T is Time. Scientists have done studies to show that you only START to get to truly know someone after spending AT LEAST 3 months with them. Wow. Let that sink in. It makes sense once you take a look at your own relationships in your life. Is your relationship with someone different with a friend you’ve known for years compared to someone you just met in your class a week ago? The answer is obviously yes. This is why it’s so important to spend as much time as you can with someone. Especially if you are looking to marry them. Once you’re married, you’re with them basically 24/7 and you better make sure you really enjoy and crave their company.

            I’ve shared a lot, but I hope as you’ve read you have been able to evaluate the relationships in your life. Whether they are friendships, marriages, or just in dating. Be yourself, put in the effort to get to know someone, and have fun! Don’t stress too much if you don’t find Prince Charming after the first date. True and everlasting love-even eternal love, takes time and patience. I hope you all have a great week! (Go ask someone out!) ;)